Grief's Outdated Mixtape: Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression, Acceptance

Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression, Acceptance: Grief's Outdated Mixtape

By Kirstin Halliday

In the silence that follows the storm of losing a loved one, society hands us a ticking clock, a subtle nudge that whispers, "Move on, get over it." But what if I told you that there are misunderstandings and negligence woven throughout the fundamental fabric of this expectation? My father's passing was more than just an incident; it was a cataclysm that shattered my world in two: before and after. The unvarnished truth is this: society is woefully unable to deal with the magnitude of grief, and it's time we confront this difficult reality head-on.

The narrative that is frequently pushed by mainstream discourse suggests that grieving is a finite process that can be completed like a to-do list—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This framework fails to capture the complex psychological aftermath of loss, including the onset of mental health issues such as prolonged grief disorder and major depression, which can ensnare the bereaved in a thicket of sorrow from which there seems no escape​​. The uncomfortable reality is that grieving is a lifetime process for many people, and it's messy and unrelenting. The physical expression of sadness is encompassed by a condition called "broken heart syndrome." This does not, however, begin to address the epidemic of cultural unease about the duration and erratic nature of grief that we are currently experiencing​​.

Consider the statistics: nearly everyone will face the death of a loved one, yet the dialogue around support and understanding remains woefully inadequate. Our culture encourages bereaved people to grieve in private and find a way to return to "normal" without inflicting too much discomfort. Millions of people are left alone at their saddest moments by a systemic failure that goes beyond a simple lack of empathy​​. Specifically, complicated grief affects between 2% to 3% of the population worldwide and 7% to 10% of bereaved people, amounting to millions in the U.S. alone. The defining feature of this condition is severe grieving that interferes with day-to-day functioning and lasts longer than usual​​. Multiple losses, alcohol or drug misuse, and a history of mood or anxiety disorders are risk factors for developing complicated grief. Also, individuals who had depression during the final stages of a loved one's sickness or who experienced depression at an early stage of their mourning are at a higher risk of developing complex grief in the future​​. These figures highlight the extent to which grieving affects society and the urgent need for better knowledge and support networks.

A year has slipped by since I lost my dad, but the pain feels as raw and as present as if it were yesterday. The expectation to heal, to find closure, feels like an insurmountable pressure, a narrative that doesn’t understand the nature of loss. A year on, and society seems to whisper, sometimes shout, that it's time to put the grief away, to return to a version of myself that no longer exists. The tendrils of grief have intertwined with my mental health, deepening the shadows of depression and stoking the flames of anxiety. The loss of my father didn't just leave a void in my heart; it ushered in a tumult of emotions that I wasn't prepared to handle. Sleepless nights, a constant sense of dread, and moments of panic have become unwelcome companions. This intensification of mental health struggles is a testament to the profound impact that grief can have on our overall well-being​​. It's a stark reminder that the effects of loss go far beyond emotional pain, infiltrating every aspect of our lives and challenging our capacity to cope. My journey through the wasteland of grief exposed a stark reality: the existing structures are not just inadequate, but actively contributing to the issue. Even though it can be beneficial, many people cannot afford the luxury of therapy. And while helpful, support groups might reflect back the same inner desolation we all harbor—a shared longing for a remedy that doesn't exist inside the constraints of a society that would prefer that we simply "get over it"​​.

I'm not looking for pity or consolation in sharing my personal tale. I'm issuing a strong call to action to challenge the current grief management paradigm. It's time to tear down the social structures that control when and how we grieve, piece by piece. Every rule, custom, and tacit expectation that forces the bereaved to suffer in silence must be contested. We must demand a fundamental change in the way that grieving, and the mental health issues it engenders, is understood and handled. This applies to those in positions of authority, to everyone who has ever loved, and to those who are struggling with loss. It's time to create a society that views loss as an essential component of our common humanity rather than as a temporary diversion.

Works Cited

Hammers-Crowell, Jackie. “The Impact of Grief on Mental Health.” Highland Hospital, 15 Dec. 2023, highlandhosp.com/the-impact-of-grief-on-mental-health/. Accessed 27 Feb. 2024. 

McCoy, Berly. “How Your Brain Copes with Grief, and Why It Takes Time to Heal.” NPR, 20 Dec. 2021, www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/12/20/1056741090/grief-loss-holiday-brain-healing. Accessed 27 Feb. 2024. 

Wall, Denny. “Complicated Grief: Fact Sheet - ABCT - Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies.” ABCT, 8 Apr. 2021, www.abct.org/fact-sheets/complicated-grief/. Accessed 27 Feb. 2024.